i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
