I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
