Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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