I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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