Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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