I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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