he looks like a really good dad on facebook
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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