I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
