My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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