don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize