saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
