is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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