you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
