you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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