shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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