How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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