you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
