its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
