some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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