i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
