i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
