well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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