His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
