Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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