if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
