My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
His hands were made for my vagina.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
