It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
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