someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
