i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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