They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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