That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
