I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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