hell yes lets make some ravioli
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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