God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
