I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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