Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
