someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
