Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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