I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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