apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize