The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
