the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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