Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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