some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
