Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
