I can text with my tongue
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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