Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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