you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
