OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
