i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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