mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
