I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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