My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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