i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
we're so committed to being not committed
I love you.
Bad choice
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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