Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
