Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
